I’m moving on. Not yet. Not quite. But there is definite movement in the air.
The tents have been taken down. Most of my stuff is back in the rucksack. and its time for one last look round and a mug of coffee before going back on the trail (though why i’m reaching for a camping metaphor when you wouldn’t find me terminated with extreme prejudice under canvas nowadays, i dunno).
Moving on, that is, from trans 101: i’ve done the interviews (and the documentary): done the early stages, and the middle stages and the big scary op; the obsession, too, with clothes and nail polish and boobs. A fair few people, i think, misconstrued the latter.
Really, all that public exposition was about two things: the Brave New World experience…the sheer joy (and wonder) of crossing boundaries for the first time and just looking at where i was. Understanding, in some small way, differences between the before and after.
Also, it was about insecurity and checking. For me – and this i SHOULD write about – transition was as much about acceptance in my identity as bodily change. Though, since the latter has happened, i am utterly amazed by how much difference so small a modification to one’s body makes.
Because its about acceptance its not about conformity, exactly: but there is a strong sense of needing to know what “normality” is, in order thereafter to be able to decide for myself whether i do or do not wish to conform. So its checking, checking, checking – and at every step of the way desperately seeking feedback.
Not done with that: not by a long way. But i am growing more confident in just getting on with being me.
Which brings us back to the moving on stuff…and the somewhat weary view of a certain poster on here – Liz – that “i’d learn”. By which i think she meant that as i travelled the transition route, i’d be less and less inclined to identify as trans – and therefore, by being as public as i have been, i’d in time come to regret that.
Well. Half right. Still no regrets whatsoever on the public score. Maybe i’d have had a different take if i’d transitioned younger: but at fifty-something, one has too much past ever to put it aside completely. There will always be many in my life who know where i’ve come from, no matter how they see me, how they treat me, now.
All the same, I do agree with Liz in terms of how i feel. I suspect i once thought i’d always view myself as “trans”. Increasingly, though, i don’t. I’ve not finished transitioning: in one sense, no-one ever does.
But where i live, where i belong, where i spend my time increasingly is campaigning alongside other women on women’s issues. I don’t believe i’ll ever turn my back on trans issues: nor that i would go “stealth”.
But its a shift and therefore, it means a bit of a shift blog-wise. There’ll still be loads of personal experience on here – but i suspect the personal will be less and less trans, more and more campaigner across a load of sexual rights issues.
I hope that makes sense: in time, though, everything moves on.