Shared equanimity

Last of today’s short posts…maybe a longer one after.

Today i also met up with another woman of trans history. She politely inquired how i was getting on and we exchanged pleasantries. Mostly, i said, things were slowly, slowly returning to normal, apart from a little soreness when i sat down too fast.

We shifted to chatting about the grs itself. I mentioned how irritating it had been, in the end, to have the world and its wife asking over and over whether i was “sure”…and how i ended up almost quetioning my decision because it felt like such a SMALL decision.

I know: for those who have never contemplated this, it maybe feels like a ginormous step. Maybe the mutilation, even, that critics claim it is. But…but…that’s so not how it felt.

By the time i started the final approach to grs, i was ready and, to be honest, just fed up with what felt like a surplus bit: an organ that no longer belonged. The decision, such as it was, was no decision at all. A minor adjuctment to bring my body into line with what felt right and natural.

Which, today’s encounter revealed, was how SHE had felt too. There is no grand epiphany in or instantly after grs. For me, there’s something like a sigh: a breathing easier; a greater happiness in myself. But that’s it.

I’d spent my time adjusting before…and i am continuing to adjust after.

Oddly, this is much the same as at least one other trasn woman i know describes it. The grs thing is just so inconsequential. Sure: its a big and major piece of surgery. But psychologically?

No. Which maybe is one of the tell-tale signs.

Chatting to a cis male acquaintance at the weekend, i could sense him mentally crossing his legs. He so didn’t get it. For him such an op is unimaginable – or if it is imagined, it is as approximately the worst possible thing that could happen to a bloke.


That’s all.



6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    katrina2 said,

    What amuses me, is males feel the pain, that they screw their faces in tortuous agony, then they enquire, as to wether I felt any pain, No, I say, I was asleep.

  2. 2

    Lucy Melford said,

    I’d differ a bit on the psychological side-effects. The surgery made me feel very much more ‘female’. And it boosted my self-confidence sky high, because I could show physical proof that I had functioning female parts. It was definitely a watershed event for me. And I still exult in my revised appearance.


    • 3

      janefae said,

      i dunno. i don’t want to downplay the joy that i felt afterwards…and in some ways it IS a large step. But maybe not for the reasons that cis folk assume it is.

      What on earth am i trying to say. On the one hand, neither i, not many trans women i’ve discussed this with see grs as quite the big step its cracked up as in the press and by non-trans folk. On the other, i recognise that it does represent something major within the transition process.

      So maybe its not that its NOT a big step: just that it isn’t big in the way and for the reasons that cis folk think it is.


  3. 4

    I’ve always assumed that “transition” was a lengthy process, where GRS is a significant step but just one of many, and transitions includes a time span which extends beforehands and afterwards. In the same way, marriage is a transition which extends before and after the ceremony, and widow/widowerhood is a transition which usually happens after bereavement, but often start beforehand.

    But as a non-transitioner, what would I know…

  4. 6

    Shirley Anne said,

    I’m with Lucy on this as nuch as the others have written too. People who are not transsexual cannot truly understand, how can they?

    Shirley Anne xxx

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