Oh dear. It seems to happen every time i think aloud about sex and related topics. Am i thinking of having some? (as Shirley Anne asks, simultaneously suggesting that it is a much over-rated activity for the post-op trans woman).
Am i intending to turn hetero? Or (re)turn hetero, since, if i merited the label hetero for my attraction to women in my former life i am now officially lesbian – and any attraction to blokes would be “normal”. Ah: the joys of attempting linguistic precision in a world in flux.
On the one hand, the latter (the idea of me plus bloke) appears to be something eagerly anticipated by at least one close friend. I am not altogether sure why: but her advice on the matter does seem to have a distinctively evangelistic tone to it. Half and half, i suspect: half that she quite likes sexual encounters with blokes, and therefore can’t see why i wouldn’t; and half that the idea of a reformed bloke like myself going down that route is perversely intriguing.
Andrea, by contrast, seems resignedly to be forecasting such an outcome, taking the strength of my denials as evidence of its likelihood.
So where am i, intimacy-wise? Mostly, i would suggest, the key word is “shy”. I have spent a lifetime finding ordinary sexual encounters “difficult”. Not difficult in the sense of unpleasurable, because the male anatomy is well designed to bring pleasure even where it is not wanted. But, looking back, there have been many instances where i wanted friendship and intimacy of a mostly platonic kind and found myself betrayed by the inevitable logic of the dating dance… waking, the morning after to embarrassment and another great friendship ruined.
Fast forward to “coming out” and i discovered, to my joy, that i no longer needed to play that game. I could be close and intimate friends without the physical rearing its nasty head: the last year, insofar as it has featured a lot of such friendships, has been good.
Add, too, the fact that the various hormone treatments i have undergone have probably taken the edge off ordinary physical desires and…you can see why the year has been mostly celibate.
Change is in the air
All the same. Some things have been happening. The first – the reason i am accused of turning hetero – is that i have ceased to find men quite as scary and unintelligible as i once did. Able to look at the species from without (as opposed to having to pretend to be one), i can see how some are cute, interesting, funny – all manner of positive things.
Does that make me an instant candidate for romance? No. But it does mean i can see a sort of point to them.
Meanwhile, within my own body, i find myself awaking almost daily to new discoveries. First there was the all over intensity of skin: possibly hormones; possibly, as one friend commented, the fact that i am now sexually “stone” – and that is bound to find an outlet somewhere. Like water, when you try to build sand walls to stop it running back to the sea.
I am in every way more physically sensitive. No. More than just sensitive. I find the physical quite overwhelming now, which does lead me to speculate about how i might react to physical encounter, with either gender.
Because, hitherto, although i have found the male sexual response to be urgent, i have always remained aloof from it: to some degree rational, in control. Which i feel no longer.
Niggling at the back of my mind is the thought that, if ever i did develop a liking for sex – in any form – i’d be a very bad girl indeed. 🙂
After which, the latest developments in the “down there” area are something of an anti-climax. I now possess sexually functioning female anatomy.
That feels nice. Right. Proper. The very fact that i am atease with myself bodily for the first time in my adult life means that i probably would find it so much easier to lie back, relax and enjoy myself.
But…and this brings me full circle: there are no plans to do so. I remain, as i said at the outset, shy. And even though the post-op pain is now beginning to fade into memory…i am still not entirely pain free. There is, f’rinstance, no way i am letting anyone or anything near my new bits unless i am in total control of speed, depth, angle and any and every other mechanical facet of the encounter.
That, too, will fade. But it hasn’t yet.
Still, to all those inquiring: i am not there yet sexually. There is a very large question mark over all things sexual which may – or may not – be resolved at some point in the next year or two.