Going over to the other side…

Ah, well: it had to happen.

No. Not my changing allegiance, whether from Liberal to Tory or, as is more to the point in my circumstances, from fancying women to fancying blokes. But the suggestion that i am or am about to.

Dilation gets different

A week or so back i posted about the more interesting aspects of dilation: how it seemed to have moved beyond painful, which it was at first, and beyond boredom, which it quickly became, to something ever so slightly nice.

Well. I am on my back for 20 minutes or so, little else to do other than stare at the ceiling and make sure the phallic perspex-y things don’t drop out…and it is inevitable that i will start to experiment. A little mild flexing of pelvic floor muscles, for starters: an imperceptible wriggling as i explore how my new body geometry works and feels.

On the basis of that simple admission – that maybe i can see the point of penetration after all – the inevitable accusation flies.

“Told you: you’re going to be re-orienting towards blokes”, or words to that effect from andrea.

Huh! Calumny! Even if i can see why the thought might be there.

Attraction remains complicated

If anything, the latest lesson i am learning is just how complex sexual attraction is, and how it sub-divides into all manner of different components.

First off is that penetration thing – something i had no expectations one way or another of at the outset. Yep: i’m getting to like it. But why not. Down there is still an erogenous zone, of sorts. And nerves are reconnecting all the time.

For now, my new clitoris remains firmly out of bounds. Very raw, mostly sore if i brush against it…and feels fragile. That’s another chapter for the future.

But if a penchant for penetration made one heterosexual, no lesbian would ever buy a vibrator. The idea is just a tad silly.

Of course, there is the second thing that has been happening, and i’ve commented on it from time to time. Living as a bloke, i found blokes impossible to understand or relate to.

Scary, competitive, geeky…just a few of the adjectives i’d apply and, in the early stages of transition, the scary bit became even more pronounced.

Only since then i’ve been re-evaluating. Mostly because i am relating to blokes more and more as female and two things seem to be going on. First, i just find that easier to do. At base, any “scripts” i had for dealing with blokes didn’t fit with me being one.

They fit much more easily with me as female. And second, i’ve been re-evaluating. Yes: still scary sometimes. But otherwise, other things start to spring to mind… like vulnerable, caring…sweet, even… none of which are words that would ever have come to mind before.

Does that mean i now fancy them? Not at all: just that i am finding men that bit easier to get on with.

It also leaves out of the equation one major add-on. That’s the overall look of the thing. As in: there is still next to nothing about the average blokely physique that appeals to me.

Bristle? No. Flat chest? No. Cock? Absolutely not!

So do, do ask me again in a year. I am definitely developing a taste for “friendly dilation”: but i remain as unimpressed by the male body as i ever have been…and i don’t really see how an interest in penetration, however deeply pursued, will ever translate into liking masculinity.



6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    spirifer said,

    “But if a penchant for penetration made one heterosexual, no lesbian would ever buy a vibrator. The idea is just a tad silly.”

    Eh? Come again? What do you mean??

  2. 2

    andrea said,

    the word dildo may have made it clearer… quite a lot of lesbians like penetration….strap ons etc…. but just becuase they like the act/feeling of being filled (or whatever else penetration does for people) doesn’t mean it has to be a real live cock and make them heterosexual. (although as any fule knoes a real cock feels nicer…it just comes with a strange hairy, grunting attachment)

  3. 3

    spirifer said,

    Yep, that is what I thought. Vibrators do things that penetration can’t, and dildos vice versa. 🙂

  4. 4

    I think enjoying penetration does mean one has some interest in/attraction to the ‘masculine’. It doesn’t have to mean you want to be penetrated by men. But for me, penetration is masculine. And for Freud too I think.

  5. 6

    If you look at dildos and strap ons for example, most of them are very ‘cock like’. Lesbian women, despite their lack of interest in men, as sexual partners, seem to maintain a certain fascination for the cock. And Freud might say (though I don’t think he thought about lesbians much) that this is natural, as everyone from childhood has to resolve their relationship with the Mother and Father, the womb and the phallus. And I know a lot of lesbians who have had relations with men at some point. There are not many ‘pure’ lesbians around! To my knowledge. I am not an ultimate expert on lesbians but I know something about people’s fascination with the phallus…

    (sorry for long comment. I will blog about this. I have been meaning to anyway)

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