Regrets…

…I’ve had a few.

But then again, too few to mention. 🙂

And (lest i leave any reader in suspense), not a single one about my surgery. No: starting to recover, to come to terms with my adjusted or, as some would have it, “mutilated” body, i feel profoundly at peace with myself. Happy in a way its hard to remember ever being.

This is right. End of.

So just two thoughts. The first is that damnable curiosity of mine.

The psychs are keen to analyse and attempt to explain away every last millimetre of transition. Mostly, i suspect, without actually having a clue.

But has anyone looked seriously at those who later claim to regret their choice? I was very impressed by Natacha Kennedy’s deconstruction of one prominent “expert” – media Doctor, Az Hakeem – at the conference organised to protest the Royal College of Psychiatry’s ill-conceived review of trans issues earlier this year.

Natacha looked at a supposedly scientific study he published and tore the numbers into shreds. And if i have a chance (Natacha: over to you) i will happily republish her presentation on here.

Still, i’d like to know: who gets to the doors of the operating theatre and hasn’t thought it thru? Who goes all the way and then wakes up, puts a hand between their legs and goes “ooops!”? And how do they manage it?

Is the rest of their life equally chaotic? Or – and i’ll apologise now if i sound too flippant, too judgmental – what on earth goes wrong?

Dunno. IT just feels to me, from having had to answer all manner of other difficult to impossible questions over my lifetime, that sometimes looking at a different question can shed light on the ones you can’t answer. Instead of asking and asking and asking whether someone knows their own mind over transition – how about looking at those who didn’t, and identifying what it is about them that could have, should have been spotted.

Because, from where i’m sat, it doesn’t feel as though its much to do with people not having done their groundwork or lived their rle or not filled out their scrapbook (as at least one GIC appears to want you to).

I followed the process. I knew how to follow the process and i am pretty sure that i could have made a convincing case for my transition whether i meant it or not. The thing is: i knew. I so knew it was what i needed that the process was a total farce. Just a bunch of hoops to jump through in order to get to where i had to go.

So, no: i don’t believe the process protects as much as its meant to. But still, just who is being protected from what? Over to anyone else who cares to comment.

And second thought? Just a song, which i’ve always loved for its simple magnificence and which feels exceedingly appropriate to this post.

Sleep well, everyone.

jane
xx

3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    katrina2 said,

    I find the process, of being processed, a somewhat perplexing combination of, trying to ascertain, (a) whether you have a mental disorder, (b) same as a, (c) are you sure. (you are not wasteing our time). Er, I carn’t remember what I told the phyc’, that must have been removed as well!

  2. 2

    Natacha said,

    Hi Jane,

    feel free to repost my presentation, all TRED videos have a Creative Commons licence.

    Interesting questions. I suspect the answer is that the main group of regretters are those who go private and as such circumvent normal psych procedures.

    However when I think back to your presentation at TRED(the audio of which unfortunately my camera didn’t pick up), and the way you described psychs as “gatekeepers” rather than engaging in any kind of psychiatric treatment as such. (these two roles are probably not really compatible)

    So it occured to me that psychs are not actually treating GID at all as such; they are simply trying to filter out people with other psych problems who are not actually trans. As such it should be possible to argue that depathologization has arrived. I do know one psych who seems to argue this; there is no actual “disorder” of being trans that they can “treat” as such, they simply filter out those who are not actually trans, and deal with the results of psych problems associated with social non-acceptance.

    The suggestion is that those regretters who do exist, are almost certainly not trans at all, but people with non-trans-related psych problems who have been misdiagnosed, or who have misdiagnosed themselves.

    • 3

      janefae said,

      How strange… and one of those observations that maybe sets me thinking something i hadn’t thought before. A major objection to Az Hakeem was that he is attempting to “treat” GID, which has the fairly obvious implication that some of those treated will decide they ain’t ts at all, whilst others do.

      In a sense, if such “treatment” was genuinely neutral, why would we object? As far as i am concerned, i want anyone with GID to have easy and swift access to the resources needed for transitioning…but equally, i don’t want anyone who is not a good candidate for trnsition to have same.

      So why the fuss about Hakeem? One answer – a bad one – is that i think some in our community may have a propensity to presume that anyone who puts their hand up for gender re-assignment genuinely knows their own mind and wants and needs it. Personally, if that is the case, i’m not in that camp.

      The other answer is the suspicion, given how “reparative therapy” has emerged as smokescreen for homophobes, is that Hakeem’s “treatment” is not neutral: that he either has doubts as to the existence of GID, or rejects what most of us see as a clear solution. In that case, all power to those putting the boot in.

      Getting back to the regretters…is there anyone out there that you know…that anyone knows…who entered the system and ended up changing their mind…or opting for treatment they didn’t want?

      The former strikes me as not so much a problem: its about individuals clarifying their needs as they become more aware of the solutions available and isn’t, as far as i can see, about people being “mistaken”. The only ones truly mistaken would be those entering the system definitely committed to grs (say) and after therapy realising that was the wrong solution.

      The only real regrets must be where individuals have gone thru the system, been fully informed, and still made a decision that was wrong for them.

      Dunno…thoughts?

      jane
      xx


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