Just too trans (for my own good)

Time lends persective.

As the days and, soon, weeks elapse since my last night of panic – was i doing the right thing? might this be a mistake? – it becomes ever clearer just how right that decision was. Mt problem, i realise now, is that people asking if i was sure were asking in cis language…and i was trying to decode it in trans.

So…since the op, i’ve looked down from time to time and wondered what all the fuss was. I’ve asked andrea why any bloke would object. I’ve even contemplated asking blokes why they could possibly mind losing that HORRID thing…

and andrea has pointed out that even if my empathy is good in most circs, its very lacking here.

In bloke-world, in cis-world, people do tend to be attached to their bits. Cutting off your willy is an ancient and atavistic fear that afflicts a large proportion of blokes. So for them, it is near axiomatic that no-one in their right mind would seek out the intervention i did.

That’s why its so easy to introduce words like “mutilation”: because it is such a big thing.

For me, however, as i think i’ve mentioned before, it was next to nothing. A minor cosmetic rectification, sort of. A putting right. And behind that, a sense that, if i was making a mistake, it was a “so what?” sort of thing.

So what if i somehow wasn’t pure trans. I wouldn’t miss my dick. Wouldn’t want it back. Just wouldn’t mind.

Which is why, in the run-up days, i was getting increasinglyt confused. Why, i started to wonder, is everyone so worked up about this? Why are people placing such a weight on my decision? Like, sure, its big surgery: but as decision, it was so, so easy.

I started to mistrust the ease with which i was making my decision.

Was it possible i was missing something?

And of course, i wasn’t. I knew exactly how i felt about my body. Its just i didn’t understand that, being trans, i really didn’t, don’t view my body the way the rest of the world does.

Weird. I wonder where else such difficulties of interpretation set in.

jane
xx

3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    katrina2 said,

    At the point of knowing, there is NO going back. It is if you have never taken such an inviolable decision in your life.

  2. 2

    bobette said,

    While i wouldn’t particularly mind if i didn’t have a penis, i wouldn’t want to got through a lot of pain to lose it.

    But i am curious as to what happens to the connection between the brain and the penis that indicates sexual arousal when the penis is removed.

  3. 3

    spirifer said,

    Surely it simply comes down to not being able to fully put yourself into someone else’s body and mind? If you are happily cis, it is difficult to understand what it is like to be trans, just as someone who is trans can’t really understand why cis folks are getting their knickers in a twist about what you know is right for *you*.

    You can empathise and support someone else with all your ability, but you can’t ever really understand what it is to be them.


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