status update (the one about pain)

will catch up tomorrow but…today has not been one of my better ones.

major bladder prob kept me up all night and not properly diagnosed (cause the machine that goes ping was fucked and giving a mis-reading). By morning i was in pain. By mid-morning i was in severe pain.

And by the time the consultant did a check at noon, i was screaming. No. That’s not literary license…i was screaming…apart from the time i was in the bathroom banging my head against the wall. On a scale of 0 to 10, Jane, how’s it feel? Eleven!

In two days now, i think i’ve experienced the two most painful episodes ever in my life…and this was no. 1 by a mile.

Everyone was totally puzzled (that blasted machine reading: if it had said what was in my bladder, we’d have understood the problem in a moment).

So back to theatre (minor argument as i refused to lie down on a bed on my way): on my back just set off the pain again.

They sedated me. Not a general – but loads of morphine – and i woke talking nonsense again.

My body felt like i had been rolled down Rome’s Spanish Steps and then been given a thorough kicking at the bottom. Every part of me hurts and…on top of all, a few hours later, i had to start dilating again.

Am i down-hearted? er, no.

The big, big pain is gone, replaced by loads of little ones. They removed the elephant testicle size haematoma, and my left labia is starting to look like part of a female genital at last. Still bloody, bruised, tender, but about half the size of previous.

I’m not thru the woods yet. But unless something else horrid transpires, i am looking forward to going home tomorrow.

This is not to scare those coming after. Some get side-effects like this. Some get different ones. Some get none at all. Every journey is different.

I’ve just done more pain in 24 hours than in most of my adult life, but…you know what…its fucking worth it!

And sure, i am a total wuss and pacifist. But i think in future i will make exception. Any transphobe who dares suggest in my hearing that this is easy. That its done on a whim…Warning: when i am well, i will go out of my way to inflict just some of today’s pain on you.

Pain legitimises nothing: doesn’t make me any righter or wronger. It is, however, a price that some of us pay along the way.

I do not seek pain, do not welcome it in my life. But if i have bought anything today, i have bought the right to be me – and fuck every single bastard transphobe in the whole wide world.

You will never, ever get it!



4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Lois said,

    So sorry to hear of your horrendous pain but glad they found the problem and were able to deal with it for you. You are no wuss, you’ve been through hell to be who you are. You are an inspiration. Bravo to your final words, nobody chooses to have to put up with any form of prejudice to be who they are, it’s not a choice, it’s the right thing. Hope all the worst of the pain is now kept to a minimum. sleep well x
    (hope that makes sense!)

  2. 2

    the CFG said,

    I just want to thank you for your strength and honesty in writing this, I was there too 18mnths ago, and you’re showing great courage through pain! And whilst my own blog finished a few years ago, few are as honest as yours…all too many paint the GRS experience as a romantic fairy story, with chocolate cake and fairy lights…
    Rest and heal well 🙂
    Nicky x

  3. 3

    Lucy Melford said,

    Sorry to hear about the dire experience, Jane. It shows that surgery is seldom problem-free, and you are right to feel that you have paid for your female parts with pain. Silly people who view all this with lofty disapproval, or think we do it for fun on a frivolous whim, might well change their mind if they had to endure all this.


  4. 4

    Sabine said,

    Get used to it – whining about pain is a male privilege. Women are expected to keep quiet and cope with anything including multiple fractures while comforting our man who is in agony from stubbing his toe.

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