will catch up tomorrow but…today has not been one of my better ones.
major bladder prob kept me up all night and not properly diagnosed (cause the machine that goes ping was fucked and giving a mis-reading). By morning i was in pain. By mid-morning i was in severe pain.
And by the time the consultant did a check at noon, i was screaming. No. That’s not literary license…i was screaming…apart from the time i was in the bathroom banging my head against the wall. On a scale of 0 to 10, Jane, how’s it feel? Eleven!
In two days now, i think i’ve experienced the two most painful episodes ever in my life…and this was no. 1 by a mile.
Everyone was totally puzzled (that blasted machine reading: if it had said what was in my bladder, we’d have understood the problem in a moment).
So back to theatre (minor argument as i refused to lie down on a bed on my way): on my back just set off the pain again.
They sedated me. Not a general – but loads of morphine – and i woke talking nonsense again.
My body felt like i had been rolled down Rome’s Spanish Steps and then been given a thorough kicking at the bottom. Every part of me hurts and…on top of all, a few hours later, i had to start dilating again.
Am i down-hearted? er, no.
The big, big pain is gone, replaced by loads of little ones. They removed the elephant testicle size haematoma, and my left labia is starting to look like part of a female genital at last. Still bloody, bruised, tender, but about half the size of previous.
I’m not thru the woods yet. But unless something else horrid transpires, i am looking forward to going home tomorrow.
This is not to scare those coming after. Some get side-effects like this. Some get different ones. Some get none at all. Every journey is different.
I’ve just done more pain in 24 hours than in most of my adult life, but…you know what…its fucking worth it!
And sure, i am a total wuss and pacifist. But i think in future i will make exception. Any transphobe who dares suggest in my hearing that this is easy. That its done on a whim…Warning: when i am well, i will go out of my way to inflict just some of today’s pain on you.
Pain legitimises nothing: doesn’t make me any righter or wronger. It is, however, a price that some of us pay along the way.
I do not seek pain, do not welcome it in my life. But if i have bought anything today, i have bought the right to be me – and fuck every single bastard transphobe in the whole wide world.
You will never, ever get it!