Am i invisible?

Friday was strange.

Something was missing. But what? As i walked down the street, in the middle of London, it came slowly, slowly into focus. The looks: those rapid sideways glances; where were they?

Sure: the occasional shifty look – but about as many of those at my boobs as at me!

I was bemused. Befuddled. Where have all the gawkers gone?

One more time: i can’t believe its because i pass THAT well! But maybe i have passed the tipping point. Or London is incredibly tolerant. Or they’re so bored of trans persons they can’t be bothered to look. Or for the vast majority, i am no longer in any way exceptional.

Underground, i kept flicking my eyes back at passers by. Had they just got more subtle? Were they still looking, but only as i was almost past them? Nope.

It has its downside, of course.

I was wearing sandals (ultra-blingy, natch!) and on Kings Cross station a large burly man just bulldozed past, wheelie suitcase following. He ran over my toes! I squeaked in protest – and he just kept on walking.

No. Its definitely strange. I don’t exactly want the staring back… but i’ve grown so used to it, i’ve maybe forgotten just how omnipresent it had become.

As someone helpfully observed. Not! This is the lot of middle-aged women: to become invisible. So if no-one can see me, i’m passing.

Perhaps i should start staring at the other folks. Or take a leaf or two out of Vivienne Westwood’s style book.




4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Paula said,

    London is different.. like most big cities people tend to be rather “eyes front.. get on with mission”
    It’s all about relaxing.. the more you get comfortable the less likely you are to be read. It feels strange for the first couple of years during the adjustment phase, then it gets normal.. want a real scary one tho?.. Try handing out flyers in a small redneck northern town.. thats frightening.. especially when a thug reads you and then starts with the threatening abuse.. good test of character but can still cause panic attacks. The secret is keeping the poise and just walking away.. and have the panic attack somewhere else (the pub loos are a good place for them)
    Keep smiling.. nearly there now xx
    (I have a wonderful bit of blatant discrimination for you.. in writing from CX.. will have to scan it and send it.. also sending a copy to the Equalities Commission.. that’ll be fun.)

  2. 2

    Confidence is key in passing. In time any transitioner builds up confidence, and everyone, pretty much, starts to pass more and more easily as a result. Then the fact that you are passing feeds back into increased confidence levels. It just goes to show that we don’t need boob and face jobs to pass!

    • 3

      janefae said,

      Indeed. I don’t need a boob job because i have achieved a B-cup and with a year of hormones to go, suspect i’ll level off (?) at a perfectly respectable C. After that, I can now see, boobs can possibly get in the way. πŸ™‚

      I might yet get some facial stuff done because i’ve never liked my nose (even pre-transition). But otherwise, i is happy!


  3. 4

    katrina2 said,

    London, in places can still be transphobic. Last Wednesday, a friend went to a market near Victoria tube on way back from cx, she was told by a woman on a lingerie stall “We don’t serve people like you” and promptly pulled a garment from her hands, she was then cheerd off the market, to calls of puff tranny ect, in tears, she tried to buy a drink in a cafe, and was totally blanked, they did not want to serve her. We both live in W/shaw and go shopping in the main civic centre. The usual mixture of people, never have we had such a hateful showdown, anywhere else!

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