Another decision, sort of, today. I know I want THE op…and now I am starting to prepare mentally for it.
February – the earliest I could go for it legally – still feels too soon. But May/June feels about right. Gives me a bit more time to prepare mentally. So now I am starting to look ahead and maybe even count down.
Not the consequences. Not, that is, the gender consequences, which cannot come too soon, now. But it’s a major op. It can go wrong…and until you wake and there are no ill-effects, you cannot know.
Then an even scarier thought. I have to convince a psychiatrist that it is for the “right reasons”. Huh? Apparently it should be for gender dysphoria, not for sexual reasons or social ones or attention ones or…eeek!
Well, its definitely not the first. Nor the last, because, as I commented earlier, I am becoming increasingly, happily, bedded in my new self. I feel less and less like I’m transitioning, more like I’m just being, living…and the sooner I can move on from being fascinating for my trans-ness, the better.
Oh. There’ll always be questions, but they become daily more uninteresting and I find myself happiest when I am just living a female life.
But social? Hmmm. No. And yes. I don’t see how this can’t be at least partly social. It’s a shifting of allegiance and group. There’s a growing distance between me and males and maleness: an increasingly welcome inclusion in female circles. I thought that might be a good thing. But could it count against me. I don’t see how…but suddenly I am fearful.
What if? What if the psych says I AM doing it for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t bear that. He couldn’t. Could he?
I am filled with dread. I’m sure that wouldn’t happen, but until it hasn’t, I remain wary.