An unsettling thought

Another decision, sort of, today. I know I want THE op…and now I am starting to prepare mentally for it.

February – the earliest I could go for it legally – still feels too soon. But May/June feels about right. Gives me a bit more time to prepare mentally. So now I am starting to look ahead and maybe even count down.


Not the consequences. Not, that is, the gender consequences, which cannot come too soon, now. But it’s a major op. It can go wrong…and until you wake and there are no ill-effects, you cannot know.


Then an even scarier thought. I have to convince a psychiatrist that it is for the “right reasons”. Huh? Apparently it should be for gender dysphoria, not for sexual reasons or social ones or attention ones or…eeek!

Well, its definitely not the first. Nor the last, because, as I commented earlier, I am becoming increasingly, happily, bedded in my new self. I feel less and less like I’m transitioning, more like I’m just being, living…and the sooner I can move on from being fascinating for my trans-ness, the better.

Oh. There’ll always be questions, but they become daily more uninteresting and I find myself happiest when I am just living a female life.

But social? Hmmm. No. And yes. I don’t see how this can’t be at least partly social. It’s a shifting of allegiance and group. There’s a growing distance between me and males and maleness: an increasingly welcome inclusion in female circles. I thought that might be a good thing. But could it count against me. I don’t see how…but suddenly I am fearful.

What if? What if the psych says I AM doing it for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t bear that. He couldn’t. Could he?

I am filled with dread. I’m sure that wouldn’t happen, but until it hasn’t, I remain wary.



4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    To reassure you about the safety: There is only one recorded death that I know of ever from GRS in his country, and that was decades ago in a transwoman who didn’t come off old-style HRT as she was meant to. (Modern stuff does not have a clotting risk like the old stuff did)

    It’s odd, what GRS does to you. It’s not about genitals, it’s about your body no longer being your own enemy I think. Many people also suspect that no amount of drugs really shut down T peoduction properly, even the holy spike of Zoladex. Post-op is just… calmer.

  2. 2

    cnlester said,

    All I could say is – that building sense of NEEDING the operation, the claustrophobia, the fear it will be denied – just hold on to the fact that you are doing it for the right reasons – that it’s your mind, and your body, and that if the psychiatrist has any brains at all they’ll be able to see the rightness of what you’re doing.

    And the best thing? As Zoe said – you wake up, and suddenly the body that was so often your enemy has become your home. I was grinning so hard my face hurt – constantly, from the recovery room onwards for the next two weeks.

    Good luck!


  3. 3

    chrissie said,

    “What if? What if the psych says I AM doing it for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t bear that. He couldn’t. Could he?”


    Trying to fit into someone else’s very narrowly and poorly defined “ideal” is a tricky thing to to do, especially if one wishes to be honest.

    Frankly I can’t conceive why anyone would do this just for sexual kicks. It seems a bit extreme, but it’s true that some shrinks out there like to relate everything to sex, and the theories of “Transhomosexuality” and “Autogynephilia” still have a following.

    Pick your “second opinion” shrink well, and even then choose your words very carefully. If you are going private things are easier, but some in the NHS still approach GID with the assumption that every patient is a fraud until proved otherwise.

    I find that the safest way is to avoid the “S” word totally. My sexual orientation is my own business, and doubly so if a shrink might decide to use it against me to deny me treatment. My current specialist, who is also a qualified psychiatrist, has not raised the question once, as he seems to hold the view that it is totally irrelevant.

    I share your views on the medical procedure. I have no doubts as to what I want done and can’t wait to wave goodbye to those redundant, ugly bits, but I do fear the surgery involved.


    • 4

      janefae said,

      Well…at least i’m on firm ground as far as the s-thing is concerned. I absolutely know that the last thing this is about is S-E-X…and anyonewho can’t see that is just thick or deluded.

      Its the other unknown stuff that makes me nervous…that and being subject to someone’s judgment as to how “genuine” i am.



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