Being Jane

Its been a bad weekend. Very bad. Genuine and heartfelt thanks to all those who have sent messages or phoned. I am still feeling rough. No guarantee that I won’t have another rough patch or two…but I think I am pulling thru.

Doubt and self-loathing and, yes, an impulse towards doing some serious violence to myself is now shifting back towards where it is richly deserved. I do wonder if the idiot who set this ball rolling knows who or what he has unleashed. We’ll see.

Although, as andrea – who has a possibly exaggerated idea of my abilities – muttered yesterday: if anyone can take the bastards down, you can!

Still, before moving on to that, I needed finally to understand what happened to me, psychologically and…it sort of started to come together today.

First, there is the abject terror of the thought of losing hormones. Various helpful persons wrote and said they (the GIC) can’t stop them…but the idea was put on the table, even if only clumsily…and it is enough to send me into blind panic. I’ve spoken to others and…this is just something that the non-trans cannot get. Its on a par with denying IVF to someone desperate to conceive: even, perhaps, kidnapping someone’s child. Unthinkable. Beyond belief.

But there is something else: something far more fundamental. I am Jane now…and I didn’t just start to “become Jane” on 1 January this year. I’ve been a long time in the growing and…I can even remember a very uncomfortable period almost two years ago now when we seemed to be co-existing. Jane and my previous self…and then everything settled. It became that much more natural to be me…and things shifted.

So. I’m Jane. I’m not “living in role”…because the very idea of living a role has about it a sense of something confected, made up: artificial.

I’m Jane and…there is no plan B any more. No bloke’s clothes in the wardrobe. No remotest inkling of any other existence and…well, if I’m not Jane then the stark and awful alternative is: I’m nothing.

(Or as a friend very sweetly put it today: “you’re Jane. I can’t think of you as anyone else now”).

A year ago. Six months, even, it might have made sense to challenge who I thought I was as a means of testing whether I merited admission to the “next stage”. Do I satisfy the criteria for “change”?

But not any more: because this is not a test, but a challenge and a denial. A denial of my very existence.

My friendly charlatan opened the interview with the words: “OK. For the purposes of this session I’ll refer to you as Jane”. That is: in his eyes, Jane has no validity yet. Jane does not exist until HE says so.

Sorry to disappoint, mate, but I do. I’m Jane. Jane Fae. Jane Fae Ozimek.

And my right to be me does not depend one iota on your dry pathetic invented academicism.

Jane
xx

4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Halle said,

    The very idea of someone in such a position of power (the power to put fear into someone as confident as you) having such a ‘for the purposes of this interview’ approach is insulting and (if I didn’t trust your word) unbelievable!

    The only persons you should be encountering at this stage are those who already assume you are as you say you are and nothing else. As you suggest, maybe a year ago, or pushing it, a half year, but not now! No Way!

    What can you safely do to make sure this ———– (you fill it in) is put out of this position as soon as possible; preferably before he causes a death?

    Above all, take care of you!

    Hugs

    • 2

      janefae said,

      Thank you.

      The one thing i do have, which many of the victims of this system don’t, is privilege of my own: the ability to pay for the treatment out of my own resources, which means i am not beholden to them.

      And a national platform in terms of media status, which both allows me to speak out and gives me access to politicians who might actually care about this stuff.

      I have been talking to a lot of people since friday. First priority was putting things back together again. Mostly done.

      Tonight thoughts were turning to how to leverage this incident to put pressure. I take it as something of a personal compliment that several people have all said the same thing: they really picked the wrong girl to piss off and abuse.

      Tomorrow i start talking to lawyers, and putting out feelers to friends at the Beeb and Channel 4. I have – fingers crossed – a major on air programme coming up in the autumn and i think i just decided what its going to be about.

      I shall begin to enjoy myself again.

      jane
      xx

  2. 3

    micheal said,

    jane, i do sympathize with you and the way you have been treated, however correct me if i am wrong,,,(which i am sure you will)…but in your earlier blogs, this hurdle you have encountered is all over a peice of paper, ,,the fact that you havent gone to the deed poll and changed your name? correct….it would appear to me that the mental health professionals are sticking to their criteria,, that is they are looking at you like other transgender clients before hand who have gone through the same process to see if you are …..genuine,,,which from reading your blogs you are…..so why are you not doing as they ask and changing your name, instead you are putting your self through unecessary grief,,,,as you say and write the old john is gone……if it was myself i would be running to get that little peice of paper and changing my name to prove that i am genuine,,,until you do that you are going to be treated as if you dont exist….just do it for your own sanity and for your family….all the best…

    • 4

      janefae said,

      No, Michael: it is absolutely NOT just about a piece of paper and if that is all you have gleaned from this and the considerable amount of other stuff i have just written on the subject, then you are really not reading very well at all.

      It is two separate issues. First – and minor issue – is the fact that the health professionals have got their law wrong and just saying “they are sticking to their criteria” is bollocks. If their “criteria” included racism, sexism and abuse, would you say…that’s ok because those are their criteria….or would you question the criteria.

      So, start point is that they are wrong.

      Se3cond stop is that not only has every other government body i have dealt with now been more than happy to recognise name change without THAT piece of paper, butso, officially is the NHS. I am going, this morning, in to my practice to change my name in the NHS system…and according to my local practice manager, no deed poll is required.

      So there’s the intellectual dimension. However, it goes far deeper. All the literature provided by Ch X talks about partnership. Lies!

      A partnership approach includes listening to patients and negotiating common approaches: not ignoring someone with expertise on a particular issue nd going “well we’re right: you shut up”.

      Not twisting a simple issue of legal correctness into a piece of bullying by stating that it indicates “resistance”: definitely not threatening to withdraw treatment on the grounds of non-conformity.

      No, Michael: the deed poll issue is a symptom of an attitude…and it is that attitude i want nothing to do with. There are loads of other reasons detailed.

      They aren’t about “a piece of paper”: they ARE about an attitude of control and abuse that that obsession represents. They are about the fact that they treated me in an abusive and humiliating way. They are about the fact they negated my entire existence. They are about the fact that they reduced me to absolute despair and kicked me out on to the street with no support.

      That is not a civilised or professional service by ANY standards.

      And that is my issue…not just the paper.

      jane
      xx


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