Blokes

I suppose this could have gone into my last post…but that was about how i am feeling now: about pure, uncomplicated happiness. So adding this particular thought would make it complicated and distract.

Still, its an important thought: maybe other trans women have their views.

I’ve always found male company difficult. Since starting to transition, it has become more so. I’m not sure why: maybe i am acknowledging to myself the gulf that separates me now from the gender i used to try to live. Maybe they are scarier. Dunno.

One theory i had was that, inside, i remained stuck as a teenage girl: whilst other women grew and learned how to deal with the other gender, i had no reason to. Because – no matter how hard i found it to follow the script – i was already a bloke, wasn’t I?

In one sense, it doesn’t much matter. I don’t fancy blokes. I get by with the work contacts i have. Slowly i am evolving a new and what feels like a much more firmly-based (female) social circle.

Or does it matter? Recently, in respect of a minor operation unrelated to my transition, i found myself asking if i could be seen by a female consultant (no such luck!). At the consultation, i almost had a fit when the guy – actually a very nice man – asked me to stand so he could examine me “down there”.

I find myself avoiding all-male circles like the plague.

Football? World Cup?

[spit!]

I feel far tenser than i used to when i have to deal with male colleagues.

I’m sure it is over-reaction on my part. I also suspect – since my therapist has already explained that some other feelings i have about transition are very common – that this is less unusual than it feels.

But to repeat: i dunno!

Does it matter? Will it pass? What is it? Why is it?

All answers on a postcard, please, to…

jane
xx

3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Lucy Melford said,

    Well, at least you have SOME male company or contact to react to, and can experiment with your feelings on the subject. I have no significant male contact at all, unless you count my next door neighbour and my nephew. All the people I am friends with are either trans or natal females. This is entirely satisfying on many levels, but it means ignoring or staying away from half the human population.

    But I’m not eager to scrape acquaintance with any men, and the thought of having one on my hands in some kind of romantic situation is nightmarish. That’s partly because of the inevitable intimacy – and I can perfectly see why you might squirm about even a doctor inspecting your bits, if he were male. Ugh.

    I insisted on a female doctor when my previous GP retired, and I had to find another. Unless it were something ordinary such as a vaccination, I’d always avoid male doctors now. No such choice with surgeons, though…

    Lucy

    • 2

      janefae said,

      Intimacy with men? i don’t think so!

      i guess i’m just wondering how new these feelings are: how far i’ve always had them.

      If they’re not new…well, i guess that goes a long way to explain why i’ve found so much of work, career to be one long undefinable nightmare.

      early on, i rather foolishly observed to a friend, a successful trans woman, how maybe i would, one day, be able to offer some interesting insights on gender, having experienced it from both sides of the fence.

      “What makes you think you’ve ever really known what it is to be male”, was her perceptive and – at the time – far too clever answer.

      Now, i am beginning to realise how wise she was. Maleness has always been a mystery to me: something i observed at close quarters, but always as an outsider.

      i’ve never really known what it is to live as a woman: that life is only just beginning. But it feels right in a way nothing ever has before.

      The difference?

      Now, i’m pretty sure, i never really knew what it was to live as a man either.

      Chastened!

      But looking forward.

      jane
      xx

  2. 3

    Halle said,

    Jane, what you have revealed has so much personal content for me. Your comment, “Maleness has always been a mystery to me: something i observed at close quarters, but always as an outsider.”, could be me speaking. We really try to emulate men, and most people seem to be fooled, but inside, we know it isn’t us. It is quite literally an act that we have perfected, without any personal knowledge of the basis for the behavior.

    In my case, finding male company difficult is a gulf I am still trying to live with. If I look around at the men I can be comfortable with socially, they are not stereotypically male, and from what you say, I am very lucky to have found them, otherwise all of my friends would be women, and my wife would be pretty upset about that!

    Hugs,

    Halle


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