I suppose this could have gone into my last post…but that was about how i am feeling now: about pure, uncomplicated happiness. So adding this particular thought would make it complicated and distract.
Still, its an important thought: maybe other trans women have their views.
I’ve always found male company difficult. Since starting to transition, it has become more so. I’m not sure why: maybe i am acknowledging to myself the gulf that separates me now from the gender i used to try to live. Maybe they are scarier. Dunno.
One theory i had was that, inside, i remained stuck as a teenage girl: whilst other women grew and learned how to deal with the other gender, i had no reason to. Because – no matter how hard i found it to follow the script – i was already a bloke, wasn’t I?
In one sense, it doesn’t much matter. I don’t fancy blokes. I get by with the work contacts i have. Slowly i am evolving a new and what feels like a much more firmly-based (female) social circle.
Or does it matter? Recently, in respect of a minor operation unrelated to my transition, i found myself asking if i could be seen by a female consultant (no such luck!). At the consultation, i almost had a fit when the guy – actually a very nice man – asked me to stand so he could examine me “down there”.
I find myself avoiding all-male circles like the plague.
Football? World Cup?
I feel far tenser than i used to when i have to deal with male colleagues.
I’m sure it is over-reaction on my part. I also suspect – since my therapist has already explained that some other feelings i have about transition are very common – that this is less unusual than it feels.
But to repeat: i dunno!
Does it matter? Will it pass? What is it? Why is it?
All answers on a postcard, please, to…