Dark moments

On the whole, i am happy: far happier than i can ever remember being. That’s wonderful – and seems to parallel the experience of most trans women who manage to transition successfully. Cause after a lifetime of wrongness, you’re finally doing it right.

So all is sweetness and light?

Almost.

All is utterly, thoroughly beautiful in the best and beautifullest of all possible worlds.

Except when occasionally. Unprompted. A thought sneaks in.

A thought about how it would have been to have been born with all the various gender bits the right way round. To have been born female.

And then, for as long as i hold that thought – and i drop it as fast as i can – a darkness opens up. I fill with despair. No. With a sense of loss.

A long, uncountable catalogue of things i will never have known…from first party dress, to being held “like that”. Girlhood. Puberty. Growing up. Womanhood.

Enough!

This makes me want to howl. In the darkness, alone, i do.

Why?

Why, why, why why?

Enough….

jane

5 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Natacha said,

    Look on the bright side hunny, you are seeing life from persepctives which most other people will never experience…

    • 2

      janefae said,

      Ah. 99.9% of the time, i DO look on the bright side. i am most definitely a cup half full girl. (No cracks, please, about two girls, one cup!).

      Its this occasional…and i mean occasional…feeling of loss.

      i don’t just want to BE a woman: i want always to have been.

      Where’s Dr Who when you need him?

      jane
      xx

  2. 3

    kath said,

    Sending hugs.

    I realise that nothing I can say can make up for the sense of biological loss – though there are bits that were very tedious, painful, annoying, etc. – but you also missed the discrimination and harrassment that was pretty routine when you were a teenager. Sadly, being young in the 1970s included being told, from time to time, that girls didn’t need education or a career as well as threats of sexual violence. I had to limit my career ambitions because of my gender (combined with my class background) – probably not a disaster in the long term but I did mind. Sometimes I wished I were a man, not because I’m trans, but just because I was fed up with the circumscriptions and threats that women face – but then I was often told I wasn’t a real woman because my main interests weren’t fashion, cooking, etc. and I had the wrong ambitions.

    It may not be much comfort when you’re feeling down, but you may find you have something to contribute to debates on female identity just because you didn’t endure those attitudes – or, to be precise, didn’t endure them in the same way. You may, however,have missed out on acquiring the kind of toughness women acquire through dealing with harrassment from the age of 13 or 14 – it may be necessary but it’s not a source of joy.

    Incidentally I recall you as someone who was kind and not sexist – something that was sufficiently unusual for me to remember it after all this tijme. It wasn’t what you wanted but definitely, from my perspective, a Good Thing. I don’t know if that’s consoling or not.

    I hope the times of feeling down are few.

    • 4

      janefae said,

      Of course its appreciated, kath: totally. Well, apart from the fact that now i really AM crying. And that’s YOUR fault. 🙂

      But that’s at the sweetness of it…not the despair.

      So don’t feel at all bad.

      I really don’t know what all this is about. Its not real unhappiness. More a sense of maudlin. And the feeling i get when listening to some music.

      But kindness… that makes me smile, because i’ve found myself thinking that of late…particularly when dealing with big government: that sometimes the bureaucrats are not so much bad, or good or malicious…but merely unkind.

      Perhaps, when i’ve finished with all the exciting activism that is what i shall do…start up a campaign for real kindness.

      Thank you, kath. Thank you.

      jane

      • 5

        janefae said,

        eeek! tonight the fates are truly conspiring against me.

        Just stopped sniffling after kath’s note…and “Unchained melody” started up on the radio.

        This could be a two-hanky evening. 🙂


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