Ch-ch-ch-changes…

Sometimes i wonder why i bother. Oh: not in a bad way.

Its just that when someone else has said what’s going through your mind, and said it well, wittily, insightfully, do i have anything to add. That’s the case today. I started out to talk about whether or not i asm changing.

Not in the obvious, got-new-boobs-and-hips way. But in the sense of whether Jane is just John with extra added femininity – or someone else altogether. My answer is still no: but this post, by “Dr Morbius”, says so much of what i was thinking so much more succinctly.

The thinking started with yet another blog, in which a trans woman observed that a friend had compared her now favourably to how she had been (in fact, describing her previous incarnation as a baloke as a “bit of an arsehole”).

Then, a friend of my own suggested that i “used to be a bit creepy”. Offended? No. Because i know exactly what they mean.

I tried to explain this in gendered terms…and it was about gender, but something else as well. Imagine living a life that isn’t yours: never knowing the right scripts to follow; how to act and react in any given circumstance without looking it up in the handbook of “how to be a bloke”.

Ick! Permanent state of nervousness, insecurity, awkwardness. And sure, i was feminine. Very. Always. But i wasn’t treated as such and never learnt how to act properly as a woman.

Another random comment: another poster suggested that the job of a good therapist is to help the little girl trapped inside to come to terms with herself – and learn to be a confident mature woman. Yesssss! Oh, yes. That thought makes me cry.

I never learnt to be me: all the rest of the world ever saw were random bits and pieces of potential. Because I never learnt how to put those together, no wonder i didn’t fit.

And now. I’m the same as ever. I always loved to dance…but “as a bloke”, that part got shoved into one particular way of looking. Loved parties. Loved clothes. Loved just spending time with other women. So all that’s the same. But different. The same from a different perspective.

I think i’m more coherent. Quite possibly nicer. Definitely happier.

Is that change?

Without a doubt.

Perhaps its time to stop pretending i’m the same woman i always was. i’m not.

which leaves just the one question: whether andrea finds Jane as likeable as John was. I know my own answer to that question – but not, yet, hers.

jane
xx

4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Jennie Kermode said,

    A common problem for pre-transition trans women (whether or not they identify themselves as such) is that their body language mirrors female body language more than male body language, or has aspects of that. This can be a problem because women are expected to do things like standing closer to people and being more touchy-feely – coming from a woman, that sort of behaviour is so ordinary as to escape notice, but coming from a man it’s often perceived as creepy.

    • 2

      janefae said,

      Yes. You are so right…I’ve been trying to work out what the issue always was. Not sure this makes sense…but let’s assume that there are feminine and masculine ways of behaving.

      Inside, i always felt more feminine – even if i couldn’t exactly put a finger on that.

      Only: acting “feminine” would have been wholly inappropriate for me. So i was wearing a male body, not very good at “acting male”, and simultaneously not learning how to be the girl – and woman – i needed to be.

      Basically, double whammy.

      Now, its like chains coming off. Freedom. I am going to make mistakes. Loads. But they will be my mistakes, as opposed to mistakes imposed by a failed attempt to conform to someone else’s ideal of how i should be.

      jane
      xx

  2. 3

    dunyazad said,

    Hi, Jane. I’m Dr. Morbius (in spite of the name I use on WordPress). My real name is Christianne, by the way. For the most part, I think that if we don’t change, what’s the point of transition? For what it’s worth, you couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to being who I used to be. I never realized just how unhappy I was as that person until I was someone else.

    Take care,
    Christianne

  3. 4

    Renee said,

    Christianne (Dr. Morbius) has a way with words, huh? Just one reason she’s one of my very best friends. 🙂

    I went through this thing in my early twenties where anyone who knew me for any length of time came to suspect I was gay. I don’t know what it was they were seeing exactly; I think perhaps it was that I was more talkative, more emotionally open and vulnerable, than the men they knew. Maybe it was that I always preferred the company of women (though I always had, and still do have, very close friendships with men).

    But I think I know why the people closest to me sometimes thought I was a bit of an “arsehole”. It’s not that I was ever mean or angry, because I wasn’t. And I wasn’t withdrawn…I was always a very social person, and people always liked being around me. But there was no doubt that the people who knew me best knew I was depressed. I was sometimes sad for no apparent reason. I was ambitionless. Sometimes I was a bit high maintenance. The person they know now isn’t that person, and on top of that, she’s happy (most of the time). So yeah, that’s altogether pretty different.

    On a sidenote, I kinda love that your blogging community and my blogging community have intersected. I often wonder how many different “bubbles” within the trans community there are out there, all talking about the same things, but oblivious to the presence of the others? If you don’t mind, I’d like to add your blog to our T-Central blog list so others can find you, and I’m going to springboard from here and look some of the other new blogs I’ve never seen before! Thanks!


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