Sometimes i wonder why i bother. Oh: not in a bad way.
Its just that when someone else has said what’s going through your mind, and said it well, wittily, insightfully, do i have anything to add. That’s the case today. I started out to talk about whether or not i asm changing.
Not in the obvious, got-new-boobs-and-hips way. But in the sense of whether Jane is just John with extra added femininity – or someone else altogether. My answer is still no: but this post, by “Dr Morbius”, says so much of what i was thinking so much more succinctly.
The thinking started with yet another blog, in which a trans woman observed that a friend had compared her now favourably to how she had been (in fact, describing her previous incarnation as a baloke as a “bit of an arsehole”).
Then, a friend of my own suggested that i “used to be a bit creepy”. Offended? No. Because i know exactly what they mean.
I tried to explain this in gendered terms…and it was about gender, but something else as well. Imagine living a life that isn’t yours: never knowing the right scripts to follow; how to act and react in any given circumstance without looking it up in the handbook of “how to be a bloke”.
Ick! Permanent state of nervousness, insecurity, awkwardness. And sure, i was feminine. Very. Always. But i wasn’t treated as such and never learnt how to act properly as a woman.
Another random comment: another poster suggested that the job of a good therapist is to help the little girl trapped inside to come to terms with herself – and learn to be a confident mature woman. Yesssss! Oh, yes. That thought makes me cry.
I never learnt to be me: all the rest of the world ever saw were random bits and pieces of potential. Because I never learnt how to put those together, no wonder i didn’t fit.
And now. I’m the same as ever. I always loved to dance…but “as a bloke”, that part got shoved into one particular way of looking. Loved parties. Loved clothes. Loved just spending time with other women. So all that’s the same. But different. The same from a different perspective.
I think i’m more coherent. Quite possibly nicer. Definitely happier.
Is that change?
Without a doubt.
Perhaps its time to stop pretending i’m the same woman i always was. i’m not.
which leaves just the one question: whether andrea finds Jane as likeable as John was. I know my own answer to that question – but not, yet, hers.