I’ve definitely been more tearful the last week. I well up on the most unexpected of occasions. Mostly in response to music. But not only.
Last night it got complicated. I was cross. Actually furious. I also hate feeling that way.
i prefer not to “do” cross, because however much it relieves some tension, it also means being nasty to someone else – which eventually rebounds, and makes me upset in turn.
Still, i was cross. andrea sort of knows why – even if she might dispute the deservedness of it.
“You’re in a nark”, was what she actually said. Which maybe in the past would have been cue for us to have an argument, clear the air, and make up.
Instead of which…i just burst into tears, went over and wrapped myself round her knees for a bit.
That felt – still feels – very complicated. I was definitely cross: and being cross was, itself, making me feel crosser, because i didn’t want to be. Sometimes, in the past, i’ve handled similar feelings by blocking them off: occasionally, i’ve let them out in temper.
I don’t think i’ve ever done what i did: to be honest, i’m not even sure i understand what happened. Still, it worked. i even think it was a healthier reaction than anything i’ve ever done before and later, still cuddled, i felt a degree of connection i don’t think i have ever felt before.
Intellectually: its fascinating. Otherwise: there’s a rightness to this that goes way beyond all the physical changes i hope are going to take place.
That sense, once more, of coming home.
Very, very happy.