This could have been another of those posts i have gotten into the bad habit of making: all about new experience, and how wonderful it all feels.
My first real hair-do, in case you’re wondering. Glorious!
You can take it for read that i am just basking in the many and varied new experiences i am having now, and move on to something a bit more puzzling.
Jealousy. After the joy of getting my hair done, and fiddling around with ear rings and nails and the 101 things i manage to obsess about nowadays, i found myself watching some ads on TV.
Not just watching, but – i caught myself doing this – measuring myself against the women in the ads. Going green with envy at the beautiful luxuriant hair that two models had.
Then i realised i have started to do this a lot lately: eyeing up fashions, clothes, hair-styles and growng resentful of things that will never be for me. In part because i am coming to this process late. In part because i will always look awkward, out of place.
There’s at least two things going on here. Its age, and the inevitable coming to terms with the fact that i am no longer young and never will be again. Yet – living as a male – that never bothered me.
Now, it hurts. It hurts like anything.
Because there is something else as well: this comparing of myself to how others look. This focus on the physical. What’s that about?
Is that “just me”? Or is it “gendered”: another of those things i hadn’t quite realised that women have to live with? Its a genuine question. Not that long in – and already i am defining myself in ways i would never have contemplated doing, a few short weeks ago.
I can see the why to it. I can also see the effect it has, making me that much more vulnerable to comments about how i look: loving the compliment; wilting before any sort of put-down.
It adds a new dimension to the demand, from medical professionals, that us trans women should learn about “passing”. Ye-es. If i understand what i am feelng now, its sort of like they have worked out what it is that makes ordianry women vulnerable – and us trannies don’t get to pass their test unless and until we learn to be just as vulnerable too.
Ironic, how ordinary everyday women are trying to teach their daughters not to fall into this trap – yet the experts insist that trans women should walk head first into it.
P.S. Since i am feeling particularly teenage and vunerable right now, this track seems about right: