Today was my last and maybe most significant personal outing. To my parish priest, no less.
It was every bit as horrid as i feared it might be. First, i dug down to the bottom of my clothes pile and dragged out a pair of trousers. MALE trousers. The first time in almost a fortnight (with the exception of church) that i dressed once more as a male.
It felt…wrong. Utterly. Like a snake trying to crawl back into a cast-off skin. But i was trying to be respectful.
The result was not as bad as i feared…and yet…
He has, he says, no objections to my cross-dressing. Would he mind if i dressed for church? No. But…
But…could i leave it a couple of weeks. Ouch. Why? If he doesn’t mind, surely he doesn’t mind? Am i being uncharitable?
Or is he hedging his bets? Checking up the line with the Bishop, before he lets a mad tranny loose amongst his congregation. I feel a bit deflated by that.
Then there was the other stuff. Our conversation brought out into the open that i am living “in sin”. Married. Legally divorced – but not, of course, divorced in the eyes of the church.
So: i need to sort that out. Get the previous marriage annulled before getting round to marrying andrea. Hmmm. OK. i have no problems with that – and he suggests that an annulment is no longer quite the song and dance it once was. Still, though, it will take months.
In the meantime, i probably should not be taking communion. Ah. If you’re catholic, you’ll understand: if you’re not, then maybe stop reading now. That is big: a real rebuff. That hurts.
Worse, of course, are the theological windings that follow. I am living in sin because i am having sexual relations with someone not my wife: a person i last shared a bed with almost 15 years ago.
on the other hand, if i do want to marry andrea, my trans journey means there will come a point when i can’t have sexual relations with her. At lest, not relations as the church knows them.
I hadn’t the heart to try to explain we’ve already stopped all that nonsense: that we now have a sex life that leaves out all those nasty pumping and procreative bits.
I shall have to find out exactly what the church counts as a sexual relationship. I suspect it involves an erection, penetration and at least the remote possibility of babies.
Oh dear. i can see this getting a great deal more complicated before it simplifies again. I really don’t want to leave the church: today i had the first inkling that at some point i may have to make a choice.