OK. Today was my first counselling session. All part of the gatekeeping process and…of course…i thought it would be a piece of cake.
i know what i want. no question of that. i have no issues about who i am becoming: welcome the change. so what is there to worry about.
Hmmm. i figured without the ability of the very simpatica counsellor to ask the awkward stuff: like who i was before all this. who is the john that is about to become jane?
what is it about HIS past that explains the present – and what is it that has not worked. Ouch! That was a bit left field, and opened the door to a lot of stuff that i have only just begun to come to terms with over the last year or so.
Not least the realisation of how badly, poorly, i have fitted my role to date as a man. As though, in every interaction, i have not had an instinct as to how to behave – and so have had to consult the dictionary of maleness each and every time, and find the required response.
jane has always been there, pushed into the shadows, denied a voice, sometimes, even, screaming silently to be heard and now at last….
Now, at last. There is more, much more to discover. Too, there was a break with the past today. Throughout the session the counsellor talked of me as john/jane. careful, careful, until the end when she wrote my name down.
Do you have a preference, she asked? Yes. jane.
That’s positive, she said. Laying john to rest. She was right. There will be relapses but… i am jane, learning now to say goodbye to a name, and a person, that never truly fitted.