Counselling: the things you don’t expect

OK.  Today was my first counselling session.  All part of the gatekeeping process and…of course…i thought it would be a piece of cake.

i know what i want.  no question of that.  i have no issues about who i am becoming: welcome the change.  so what is there to worry about.

Hmmm.  i figured without the ability of the very simpatica counsellor to ask the awkward stuff: like who i was before all this.  who is the john that is about to become jane?

what is it about HIS past that explains the present – and what is it that has not worked.  Ouch!  That was a bit left field, and opened the door to a lot of stuff that i have only just begun to come to terms with over the last year or so.

Not least the realisation of how badly, poorly, i have fitted my role to date as a man.  As though, in every interaction, i have not had an instinct as to how to behave – and so have had to consult the dictionary of maleness each and every time, and find the required response.

jane has always been there, pushed into the shadows, denied a voice, sometimes, even, screaming silently to be heard and now at last….

Now, at last.  There is more, much more to discover.  Too, there was a break with the past today.  Throughout the session the counsellor talked of me as john/jane.  careful, careful, until the end when she wrote my name down.

Do you have a preference, she asked?  Yes.  jane.

That’s positive, she said.  Laying john to rest.  She was right.  There will be relapses but…  i am jane, learning now to say goodbye to a name, and a person, that never truly fitted.



3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Wonderer said,

    “Do you have a preference, she asked? Yes. jane.”

    Then I will refer to you as jane, think of you as jane, call you jane if we speak; and use female pronouns. Forgive me if I get it wrong.

    (My understanding until now has been that your preference varied with context and time).

    And I note with interest but no surprise that jane consistently has a lower case j, and i too is lower case. (I am surprised to see john with a lower case j). And I heard about “that look”. Sounds like it’s all change in your world. And I suspect changes for the better in more ways than one might have expected.

  2. 2

    debz furneaux said,

    it may suprise you to know i have thought of you as jane since you first told me the name!! tho i do tend to use the jane fae double barrel!!! lol

  3. 3

    Dennis said,

    Jane.. this is yet another welcome.. one of the many welcomes among the layers of throwing off of your old life. Long may you enjoy becoming your best most beautiful you.


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