Today I had my first appointment at the gender clinic. Went as well as it could – considering my own panic status every time i hit up against the decision process. More of that later.
One thing that did emerge was the suggestion that it would be immensely helpful both to my cause and to me if i start to live in role as early as poss. In other words, if i dress.
Interesting one that. I have always resisted cross-dressing. Two reasons, i guess: first, it feels like it is trivialising the underlying issue; and second, i would be embarrassed at being less than “right” when i did so.
On the other hand, we were up in London, with access to a branch of Long Tall Sally – so why waste the opportunity. i went along there, accompanied by my partner and…it was another of those eye-opening moments. In two senses. I look good in a skirt. Really, happily good.
omg! why haven’t i dressed before? I love it. And that sort of leads into the second thing, which is it feels right NOW. In the changing room i did a sort of dance for joy…leading to a certain amount of disgusted eye-rolling by t’other half. We bought a couple of wonderful skirts: a top (that i am not quite so in love with, but we’ll see); pumps and tights. Tan, despite t’other half’s valiant plea for black.
Out to a party…then home, in time to try on the denim skirt in front of the step-daughter (who thought it cool) and to realise that if i never wore men’s trousers again, i wouldn’t miss them. Ever.
And there’s the dilemma. i am not sure whether daughter is objecting to my news..or is simply using my news as the latest stick with which to beat me. Tomorrow, i want to get up and wear one of my skirts.
On the other hand, I can think of little more provocative if she doesn’t like the idea.
On the other other hand, as partner suggests, if i bow to that pressure tomorrow, i will always bow…and besides, changes are going to be much faster, furiouser than expected. Hormones in three months…big changes starting after that. So if i don’t do this tomorrow, somethingelse will be obvious soon.
Which way to jump?