Call me…jane?

it is so important…like all the rest…to get this bit right at the moment when it matters.

i am not jane yet.  Certainly not in any physical sense.  i remain horribly, hairily male although – courtesy of a cocktail of eco-unfriendly chemicals and much diligent shaving – far less hairy than before.

But the name is very important, because it precedes and to some extent dictates how i feel about myself at any given instant.  In part, it is like new shoes: a wonderful, shiny thing that i want to put on and show off to all around.  Still, though, it pinches: it isn’t as comfortable as it should be…so i put it on a bit more every day, but take it off when evening comes.

i am wholly unfair.  When i am i the right space, i want to be called by my proper name: when i am not, i still run back to john.  But i’m not sure how you can tell.  There are certain spaces now – intimate spaces – where i am nothing but jane to my partner.  i love that…love how close – how loved –  it makes me feel.

Other times, i am more ambiguous.

Then, too, there are the other words that make up everyday conversation: “girl!” uttered with a degree of such stern possessiveness by my partner – and forerunner, maybe, of an intriguing shift in sexual dynamic –  that i feel myself melt each time she does it.  🙂

“missy” – what a good and close friend comes out with naturally.

“dear” – how the head of year at my daughter’s school has taken to addressing me, unprompted.

More new shoes: so many to try on.


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Wonderer said,

    I wonder how you’d feel about being referred to as “becoming Jane” 🙂 . It conveys the idea of a transitional state in an ongoing process, and it also can mean graceful, attractive, comely.

    (A two word name makes more sense in a blog or text form than in spoken language of course).

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