it is so important…like all the rest…to get this bit right at the moment when it matters.
i am not jane yet. Certainly not in any physical sense. i remain horribly, hairily male although – courtesy of a cocktail of eco-unfriendly chemicals and much diligent shaving – far less hairy than before.
But the name is very important, because it precedes and to some extent dictates how i feel about myself at any given instant. In part, it is like new shoes: a wonderful, shiny thing that i want to put on and show off to all around. Still, though, it pinches: it isn’t as comfortable as it should be…so i put it on a bit more every day, but take it off when evening comes.
i am wholly unfair. When i am i the right space, i want to be called by my proper name: when i am not, i still run back to john. But i’m not sure how you can tell. There are certain spaces now – intimate spaces – where i am nothing but jane to my partner. i love that…love how close – how loved – it makes me feel.
Other times, i am more ambiguous.
Then, too, there are the other words that make up everyday conversation: “girl!” uttered with a degree of such stern possessiveness by my partner – and forerunner, maybe, of an intriguing shift in sexual dynamic – that i feel myself melt each time she does it. 🙂
“missy” – what a good and close friend comes out with naturally.
“dear” – how the head of year at my daughter’s school has taken to addressing me, unprompted.
More new shoes: so many to try on.