In fact, this happened before the rest.
i spent many months mulling over my decision. Should i, shouldn’t i? Could i spend the rest of my life in some sort of gender straitjacket?
Of course i couldn’t. In the end i knew that – though it took the edge of a breakdown to make that plain. Oh, yes: one of the worst aspects of all this self-discovery. i don’t do “out of control”: i don’t do huge self-indulgent fits. So, as the knowledge of who i was and what i needed to do became clearer, and i felt the repercussions internally, emotionally, i was so angry with myself.
i couldn’t believe how upset, shattered, lost this single awful piece of knowledge could make me.
Next step, of course, was telling…and i dithered for months about telling my partner. Of course i shouldn’t have: but how could i not? All the statistics, so many of the forums spell it out in black and white. For a very large proportion of relationships, the day one partner comes out over this issue is the day the relationship ends.
In the end, the whole thing was forced. It was obvious that “something” was up – and it was poisoning our relationship. i needed to get moving on the new me. I could not delay any further.
So, a little before the New Year, i told. And she was absolutely wonderful about it.
Shocked. Not surprised – which maybe says a lot about what i was before. Fearful too: after all, its not every day your man decides to turn into a woman. There are no good scripts for how this will turn out.
But incredibly supportive too. She went out and bought me a card – and some perfume. We have talked – seemingly forever – and already, sometimes slowly, sometimes by leaps and bounds, our sexual dynamic is changing.
We are able to joke about it: about the fact that my decision makes her an involuntary lesbian
At the weekend, we took back a couple of christmas presents: traded a chunky all too masculine bracelet for a wonderful necklace (and pair of ear-rings).
Trouble ahead on that front, perhaps as already she has mooted that she should be allowed to wear MY jewellery in future. The cheek!
She has helped a little with make-up and taken a certain sadistic glee out of plucking my eyebrows. She is mostly tolerant of the fact that she is swapping the old me not merely for a woman but for a woman who is very focussed on her body, her looks and who intends to work hard on both of those.
she is not yet as ready as i am to come out: she worries about consequences.
Overall, i could not imagine a better reaction and, yes: i am very very proud of how she has been.
If you’d like her side of this, she too has resorted to blogging – and you can find her own thoughts on the matter over here.