Should i write some “trans porn”? Read the rest of this entry »
Posts tagged authenticity
Another decision, sort of, today. I know I want THE op…and now I am starting to prepare mentally for it.
February – the earliest I could go for it legally – still feels too soon. But May/June feels about right. Gives me a bit more time to prepare mentally. So now I am starting to look ahead and maybe even count down.
Not the consequences. Not, that is, the gender consequences, which cannot come too soon, now. But it’s a major op. It can go wrong…and until you wake and there are no ill-effects, you cannot know.
Then an even scarier thought. I have to convince a psychiatrist that it is for the “right reasons”. Huh? Apparently it should be for gender dysphoria, not for sexual reasons or social ones or attention ones or…eeek!
Well, its definitely not the first. Nor the last, because, as I commented earlier, I am becoming increasingly, happily, bedded in my new self. I feel less and less like I’m transitioning, more like I’m just being, living…and the sooner I can move on from being fascinating for my trans-ness, the better.
Oh. There’ll always be questions, but they become daily more uninteresting and I find myself happiest when I am just living a female life.
But social? Hmmm. No. And yes. I don’t see how this can’t be at least partly social. It’s a shifting of allegiance and group. There’s a growing distance between me and males and maleness: an increasingly welcome inclusion in female circles. I thought that might be a good thing. But could it count against me. I don’t see how…but suddenly I am fearful.
What if? What if the psych says I AM doing it for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t bear that. He couldn’t. Could he?
I am filled with dread. I’m sure that wouldn’t happen, but until it hasn’t, I remain wary.
I will start this by stating – categorically – that the attitude is personal. Its about me and how i feel about my journey: not rules or judgment on how others do it.
What’s right for me.
From the off, i have alternately impressed and infuriated Andrea by a very strong sense i have of needing to be authentic. i wouldn’t contemplate wigs. As for breast forms? Ugh!
Now, as matters proceed, that changes. The hormones have done some work on my hair. Nothing like enough. But its growing back in. I’ve had it styled. I feel…”authentic” enough… to say: if it doesn’t look right NOW…i’ll consider a wig.
Ditto breasts – although there, the hormones have barely started. I still won’t wear anything that smacks of imitation. But if in a year or two i am still stuck at a sad AA cup..then i’d think about it.
I’m sure there’s a logic there somewhere. I’m not AGAINST cross-dressing: i just don’t ever want to feel like that is what i am doing.
And so to the problem. I have to attend a party: a big £70-a-head all-night exotic party. I need to be there, because i am a finalist for an award – and besides, it sounds like a lot of fun
As the dress code says: “fanciful floating chiffon and silks… in rich, shimmering colours, sparkles, feathers, and jewels.” I shall studiously ignore suggestions for sexing the outfit up!
andrea has come up with some altogether sensible ideas. i, on the other hand, am thinking fantasy – a fairy theme.
And here’s the problem. First, i am pre-op…which means i still have a rather unsightly bulge below the waist. i have tried the all-powerful “magic pants”…leading to an even more unsightly “muffin top” around my waist. So what next? A pantie girdle?
And whilst i won’t go down the breast form route…what can i do to add a little more lift? Help – again!
This is so frustrating: I know how i want to look…i am just a couple of years too early. i can’t have everything i want. Yet.
But all suggestions very gratefuly received